2005-12-20 -- 2:23 a.m. What do I feel like doing? I don’t know. I know so much. I’ve seen so much. Understood the underlying foundation of the universe. Why do I see this? I don’t know. I was meant too. All of this was meant. What have I seen? I have seen the end, lost the beginning, and grew into the present. I have lost the past. In the past rests myself. Wait! The past is just another part of the universe… how could I lose myself. I’m still out there somewhere…. Out there… so far away. There are roads to where I want to go, but I can’t drive them. I can’t see them… sometimes, at night with the right music, I might feel them. Their essence, their influence. Why am I afraid? I know I can do it. I know so much. I’ve seen so much. Underlying foundation… … …. I have nothing. Nothing I can touch, nothing I can move with my mind. Even love eluded my grasp. Ha! Love… that’s what we called it. Love can tear apart the universe, all its people, all its star’s and galaxy’s. Tear them apart so slowly and painfully. Love can grow can build. Cannot be explained. Can be written. Told to be avoided. What have I found? So much I cannot touch, so much I have come to lose and never to be found again. Maybe I am out there somewhere, but I’ll never find it again. Maybe I’m just running around, parts of me in the past present and future, looking for each other. Perhaps I’m dead. That would be nice. Then I could finally learn what I am, what we are. The ‘secrets’. They’re not secrets, they’re just not yet found, not yet comprehended. What else have we than to learn? What else are we than learning? Can anyone find it? The question is not why we are here or an reason for our being. The question is what can we do to find out everything else other then ourselves. Self discovery will come and throw everyone else, everything else, we’ll learn about ourselves. That is the reason for our living. To learn. Everyone is to selfish to understand this. Everyone wants to know ‘why we are here’ to understand our own being. We are alive isn’t that enough? What do I feel like doing? I don’t know. Anton