2005-05-14 -- 1:03 a.m. Is there something wrong with me? There has to be. There has to be. If there is something wrong with me then whatever it is will explain what it is I’m feeling… going through right now. I guess when I lost her I lost the only person I could talk to. Everyone else is to squeamish or busy or weak stomached to talk to me. My one handed finger count of real true friends goes down each day. Well… they went down in two days to be exact. At one point there were two people. Now I’m not sure about either of them. I’m coming up to Michigan soon. May 22 to the 28. I thinking of canceling the whole trip. I’m not sure it’d be worth it. Not the money I’d be paying for it anyway. When I left Michigan I was under the impression that I would be coming to see a whole shit load of people because I considered them friends… hell even buddies. Now I’d be coming to see one person. Although this person is worth the trip and I them quite… it wouldn’t matter to that person really if I came up or not. What about number two… well lets just say that that person is starting to… push me away. For good reason might I add. And something I’m not going to get into… especially since they might be reading this. I donno… it seems that the only real solace I can find now a days is from my family. At least they won’t drop me like a ton of fucking bricks. And I thought that I had influence over these people that I had some kind of bearing or kinship…. However… like all great illusions all that imaginary power distilled into thin air. Honestly, if there is one thing I learned out of this that humans even as individuals are selfish and narcissistic. Am I honestly the only person out there not constantly thinking of myself? Why do I care what I say to people, why do I bother to help people? I can’t change people, only one’s self can change themselves. In essence I think it would be pointless for me to come to Michigan at this point. I’m gone now and everyone is living their lives for themselves first and foremost. I should really just start thinking of myself. Let everyone go… but do I still have enough of my old self to do that? I probably don’t. I remember when I never ever needed anyone. And now I find myself asking people for help that either don’t want to help or don’t give a fuck to help. I just want to go home. And I don’t even know where that is. Its no longer Michigan because she’s gone and its not Georgia because there’s no one here. Maybe I just lost love… there are way to many maybes to consider at this point.