2005-03-25 -- 10:35 a.m. Once again I find myself at some kind of brink… but what kind is it this time? Tears so wet my shirt is soaked deep with them. They turned the cloth to black. And I don’t think I mind. I don’t think I want this anymore. I don’t think I want anything. I now understand what a madman would feel, why things like murder and suicide happen. I now understand what it would feel like… knowing that your life hangs not in the hands of some fucked up junky or a mastermind criminal… but at balance or your own mind. Nothing else can ever subject one person through so much torment. Nothing on the face of this plant can possibly hurt as much as ones actions. My actions… in my actions I brake myself. All my dreams and goals thrown to the side, sideswiped by everything else that gets piled along the way. Everything is truly a cold shower of blue… eventually ending up in death. What is started must come to an end. But why suffer? Why does everyone have to suffer? The man suffers the little man… the big man suffers the pain of his population. The little man suffers only because of the big. No one wants to stop this cycle. Sooner or later… we’ll all end up bleeding with our guts poured along the sidewalk. Some fucking little chink or nigger or hick laughing at me, completely ignorant to the apparent reflection of him self, only me is dead and he alive. Fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it. Its over! I’ve never been so fucking pissed before in my life… and Tom is a distance memory. Everything in my life up until this point was a falsehood. Its been a shame… a security blanket around my whole body. Now for reason, someone decided that its time for me to learn about their life, and I say fuck it, and fuck him! As Maynard said “Before you point the finger You should know that I'm the man, And if I'm the man, Then you're the man, and He's the man as well so you can Point that fuckin' finger up your ass.” I’m so tired… I want my Kittie. Anton