2004-11-08 -- 7:08 p.m. 1 Death; so pondered. Laying naked, breathe laden with regret. Alas, the cold weight walls did no justice to suffice grief. I could no longer understand my actions. Followed by so sweetly the lack of breath. I laid naked gasping for air, my mind swirling in the water. I could no longer place the line between reality and the dream world I wanted to live in. My dream world was so bright and vivid. Now I could somewhat feel it. I would come home from work. Feet acing from to much running. I would pull the latch open on the front gate to walk into my front yard. The gate would be connected to a white picket fence. Just for nostalgia, it would a white picket fence. A smile would grow on my lips from the site of my discombobulated front yard. I would mutter to myself that I should clean all the toys and trash before the weekend started. But of course it would make no sense to do so. It would only be ruined in a matter of minutes from the kids. The kids. They played tag in my mind now. Running back and fourth, from bones to withered skin, to aged face's. And then to a baby still growing in its' womb. So lively it seemed to me. So much movement now forced its way in to my head. Water started to move around my arms and neck Only my arms and head were out of the water. The rest of my body, not that I could feel it anymore was shriveling in the dark liquid. Submerged in the coldness. I considered the water black now, not clear. For black was were my mind was fading to again. Out of the black would come my future. Again, I envisioned myself in the front yard, entering the old Victorian style house. Dark red brick laden the walls and supported the structure from collapsing. My key would slid in easily, turning it to open the front door. I would already here the voice's shouting my name, running down the stairs. I would start to smell the auroras of dinner still cooking in the oven. I would step in through my front door, only to see the darkness again. 2 How did it come to this? So close I lay now, nimble thoughts rush my head like before. Darkness no longer the only comfort left. Alive like never before. A crackle from my through escapes echoing between the water and the white walls. The light now, invades my ever waking mind so long I dreaded the coming of the light. I always kept the blinds closed, the door's locked and the windows boarded up. Just in case I would love again. However, love never did enter my paralyzed lungs. How I longed, I remember the days I sat in front of the TV, my eye’s glazed, black pupils wide like the moon. Yet so dark. They used to be green, green and brown, my mom called them hazel nut. I called them brown for simplicity. Now, they portray nothing of my mind. Indeed, nothing is left to portray. I became what was, what is, nothing. I became nothing another statistic, a rating on paper. Nothing so scientists could research with more data. Of course I was alive, parse. Not quite moving, more alive then now. My mind once sharp, now dull to the scabbard, my arms once long, reached to many other people. Now short and stumpy, so short the they were hardly long enough to push the needles all the way in. My vanes once ran red with blood. Now all sucked away, they run black with death. No my blood is like my mind, it’s a lie. A lie I loved. Still so fresh and vivid, so smothering my embossed facial expression, my emotion so flared. I still sat still watching infomercials. I wanted to buy that shit, what’s it called, some fucking spray on hair. Yes. I wanted it, just to see if it would work. Maybe I could inhale it, just like I once inhaled your essence. Maybe that would have been less painful then this. To be continued br>